Where do you really exist?

I'm sharing with you the journey I've been on over the past few days in hopes that it might illuminate for you a similar experience you're having in your life, or give you words to describe what you may be going through.

Recently I’ve had to move house. This is a temporary arrangement while details surrounding a medical diagnosis received for a family member become clear. But, it’s also a response to a deeper more overarching energetic that seems to be permeating our world right now.

It feels as if our lives are being reshaped, both on the inward as well as outward planes of existence. For some of us it’s happening with health, with others within the realm of work, or relationship, or their dreams they had for their life are being reworked. It’s become plane to see, we’re in a great time of change and it’s not our own personal choices alone that are bringing about this change, but they’re also being brought about by a larger, more omnipresent force.

As a result I feel in limbo, on a threshold, balanced between where I was and where I am going, and ultimately who I was and who I am becoming. The old foundations of my life have begun to crumble as the hidden energies of the new begin to stir deep within and disturb the earth below; but I’m not yet clear as to what the building blocks will be to create a new foundation upon which to rebuild. It's too soon to tell. This is all happening mostly on the inner planes. Is this true for you, too?

Through this experience of change a realization came to me recently. It was more strongly felt then has been true for me in the past; an observation that’s interesting and a bit disconcerting.

This is not the first time I’ve had to move house, but because of the shifting unsettled energies of our present world, this move has shone a light on my sense of self in a curious and more embodied way. More than at other times, I’ve come to realize how intimately I weave my sense of self with the energies and aspects of Place. I so strongly identify with Place; and it seems even more so than with an ideal or certain demographic of people.

When I am in a particular landscape or environment I am with myself, deeply. This is not to say that when I’m not in this particular place that I’ve lost myself, but rather that I’ve given myself to a special place in my life in such profoundly intimate ways: through my love, joy and tears, my heart and mind, and through my inspirations and dreams, that the boundaries between us have blurred. When walking the paths, moving through the rooms, being with the animals and plants of a specific place, I’m actually moving through and experiencing myself. I’ve manifested outside of myself as myself.

I don’t feel this so much when I’m with another person or experiencing a certain activity. Most often when in those situations, I don’t feel I’m with “myself” so-to-speak, the boundaries between myself and “them” are more defined. I have an ending and a beginning, an edge, that exists alongside the sharing of energies that are present and that are the basis of relationship and shared experience. Being with another person is more of a reflection of self, as is commonly recognized, as well as an honoring of the other person, not an integration. I don’t “become” that person and they don’t “become” me, but we see ourselves in each other and that becomes the attracting or repelling force.

I’ve become so interwoven with the home space that I’ve temporarily moved away from, that when I return there I feel like I'm returning to myself. In a way, it’s like grounding back into one’s self, into one’s home space after traveling, but in a deeper more integral manner. You feel a sense of familiarity, your surroundings are known because they are you. There’s a perceived sense of safety because you've returned to yourself. A sense of peace settles into your being. In these moments I no longer feel a stranger within my own self. This all may sound strange or even a bit off kilter, but it’s an embodied truth for me at the moment. Perhaps you can relate.

And, to add another twist, my inner world is shifting, too, so when I return to the external place where I return to my sense of self as I've been describing, I am also meeting an old me in a way. The external and internal "ground” I’m walking on is shifting and moving, and where I’ll end up is still unknown. This is a perception I may explore in a later blog post, but for now I’ll simply end by inviting you to contemplate these questions: “Who are you really?”, “Where do you actually exist?”, “What are the deeper forces shaping your life right now?” I think you’ll find the journey of discovering the answers is an illuminating and empowering one.